Nothing Seems To Be Going Right

nothing seems to be going right. everything seems to be going wrong. i think it's time to go to church again, yes THAT TIME again. my only fear before i head into the doors again and sit on the pewters is that things usually get worst before they get better. it's as if things arent bad enough and by going to church, no doubt things will get better but they always get worst 1st and i do not want things to get worst.

another trend i've noticed is that when things are so bad and i dun wanna to go church anymore and i actually stop going, things get better. it's as if there's a delayed reaction between my actions and the result. instant gratification is what i'm looking for but i guess it's just not possible. why cant i be a good church going boy like so many of my friends... but then again, if i was than what's the fun in laughing at me saying this wouldnt have happened if i had continued going to church.

another thing i find odd about church, i know almost no one there but everytime i go there, everybody is so fucking friendly. it's like lo and behold, the return of the prodigal son. everyone says i look familiar and "welcome home", "may god guide you" blah blah blah. just leave me alone and fuck off bitch. i'm happy sitting by myself at the quiet corner where all the old folks are sitting. do not place me with the people my age, i have nothing in common with them and i do not intend to befriend them. if and when i go, it's because i want to, pure and simple.

i hate exercises where u have to look at ur neighbour to ur left and to your right, behind you and infront of you. no it doesnt end there, you have to smile you biggest bestest brightest smile and say, "GOOD MORNING! HOW DO U DO? I'M FINE THANK U!". cant they understand that not everyone goes to church to get to know more people, i go to church because i want to be in god's presence again. oh no, now i'm sounding like some mad assed preacher who ought to be shot, stoned and hanged.

i love the way they pass around the bags where you place ur money inside for donations. it's so nochalant so discreet, no one bothers whether i put any money inside or not. in fact, i could just take out a wad of notes and smile at myself after that but no. i do frown upon stealing.

i cannot stand the way they talk about burning damnation at some churches, they relate it back to money, money and more money. what u've got to give before u can receive. so people end up donating like 20% of their salary/ allowance etc etc. yeah, good and well. i might just give, should you shut the fuck up.

i love going church, more for the obscurity and sense of home that certain churches premates. but then again, it doesnt hold me for long, too many things pushing and pulling me away from church. i miss the days where i had compulsary monday chapel service. at least than i had a good reason to go and a bad reason not to...

i'm really sorry and i wish i could make it right. it was my bad but i swear to god that i never harboured any ill thoughts and i would rather lose a limb than do what you do not want me to do. it's not as if you do not know where i stand.