PADS

i can never understand the marketing behind mensuration pads. why would companies pay so much money to reach out to only half the general population watching television. where else condom companies do not advertise on television. at least in singapore they do not.

STAR SHIP TROOPERS!

i love semi b grade films. they always make my day.

I WANNA BE A TEXAS RANGER!!!!

HI HO SILVER!

i've watched texas ranger courtesy of channel 5 and no, knighthood holds sway no more over this idle mind. i want to be a texas ranger now.

shooting hispanic mercs. making africans scouts. leading men on heroic ( or suicidal depending on the outcome) charges would be a bi - weekly affiar and dating girls like RACHEL LEIGH COOK!!!! like what the fucking hell. every girl should look like rachel leigh cook to satisfy the WWL (white women lovers) or zhang zi yi (for those with more traditional tastes)




lately, i've been downloading movies and the bomb is from dusk till dawn. querantino is a genuis.

lately, i've watched hostel and i've never been so disturbed by a movie in my 23 yrs. the whole concept of the movie is wrong. paying money to torture then kill people. it's not that the plots or the themes that he's exploring is shallow. but it's so real and so possible that it's scary.

if

the results are coming out. all hail the results.

fry my effing balls. i hate exams and i hate results but above all, i hate waiting for the results. how cool it would be if i were a medival knight and all i had to worry about was my sword arm and which maid to bed. that'll be cool. it'll be wicked.

i w0uld simply challenge any other assholes to a duel and rip his heart out after dicing his balls. of course if they were the better swordsmen, i would give him the dame. and poison his meal afterwards.

if my queen was a QILF have no doubt that a marc anthony or lancelot i would be. there's nothing more coveted than another man's bitch.

while riding into battle, i would delibrately slow down my house enough so that i would not be the tip of the wedge. no, statistics show that only 5% of people leading the charge survive. while as a knight i have no respect for the odds, i believe in letting the others have 1st blood. it's harder cleaning up the pieces.

my horse would be the eqivalent of a bmw 6 series. expect, it'll be arrow proof, sword proof and with the special ability to breathe fire and kill anything within a 5 m radius. in addition, it's bullet proofness and sword proofness would extend to the rider, ie, me.

my sword would be able to kill people at a thought. ie, i think he should die and he would die. it would thus qualify as a magical sword. why would you want a sword that has flaming runes, swords that never rust, swords that never need sharpening, swords that can cut through anything. no, mine's far better. if i think your dead, your dead. i do not even need to hold it.

as for armour.... hmmm. i'm always wearing impregenable, invisible, weightless armour. it's top of the line. in fact, it only stops things from hitting me. erm, it's omipresent. so i never have to take it off, oil it, etc etc.

the troops under me would be undead. this way, i would never worry about sanitation, food, morale, pay, betrayal etc etc. besides, what other troop inspires fear the way zombies do.

and if ever, some stupid witch tells me no man may kill me, i would check if any woman, baby girl, baby boy, horse, dog, wolf, bear, boar, etc etc might be able to kill me too. 1 macbeth is enough. this knight is smart.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO AMPUTATE IT

i had the misfortune to attend some leadership sports summit. where the leaders and treasurers had to attend. i was not the president but by default, since mr president was not around, i had to attend in his stead. bullocks.

there wasn't even a decent number of decent looking babes there. sad sad sad. there was babes who were too fat, too mainland chinese looking, too unattractive, too plain. just too many toos. no too hot though. i have not met anyone who is too hot. hot, plenty. very hot, some. too hot, none.
no i am not saying there wasnt any good looking girls there. they were there, they just werent really talking to me. i conclude, i am in the not that hot catergory. some might disagree, fine, i am belong to the unhots but that's till i open my mouth.

my room was filled to the brim with acs boys. in fact, out of 7, we had 4 pure breeds. 1 ac/rj. 1 rj and 1 sji/dunno what. what was really funny was that the sji guy made a comment, he suddenly went, i dunno why but i really dun like acs boys.

*silence*

then someone said, do u know there're 5 ac boys sleeping in this room?

i was also formerly introduced to the touch girls as the vice president of rugby. AKA, the guy who wants to carry debbie home and here all of you can take a good look at mr pervert. like what the hell...

i met the hottest girl in gym but we didnt take. actually we did. she asked me to play a particular game with her and her friends. i said no. and walked away.

but in defence, it was a stupid game. i mean i was playing stupid games like dodge ball and football tennis. but that transends the stupidity level of the games i was playing. seriously.

i met the worst air rifle member(xxx). i asked my other friend in air rifle whether she was coming and i asked her whether she knew xxx. she replied if it was the xxx she was refering too, she would be the reason she would want to come. i believe it was a typo. she left out a not. she would be the reason she WOULD NOT want to come...

while eating lunch, i made a comment that i didnt like KL zouk. xxx asked me when did i go. i said i went last summer. she looked at me and said when... thinking she didnt hear me, i repeated, summer... she then said what day. i said summer... like summer holidays. she got impaitient and said WHAT DAY. i sad a WEEK DAY during summer. she then said SINGAPORE GOT NO SUMMER....

i can die, please shoot me now. i felt as if i was speaking french. ali g's wife was laughing her head off while trying to be as indiscreet as possible. the rest of the conversation is of little consequence.

i had a slight impression that xxx wasnt well liked. during the last day,xxx managed to injure her foot and she couldnt walk as a result (i am skeptical. i believe she hated the lack of attention that she was getting and was trying to make up for it.). a friend of mine say her walking up a flight of steps with the assistance of 2 strong ladies and he said in his most sympathetic tone," oh man, that looks bad...


I THINK YOU HAVE TO AMPUTATE IT."

Dressed to the nines

Dressed to the nines! What a party! What a night! What a success! Yeah right…

1^st, despite having a theme “dressed to the nines”, I turned up in t-shirt and jeans. Granted it was a brilliant transformers t-shirt that said OPTIMUS PRIME. They had this best dressed competition, which was simply rigged. There were people in suits who were not called up and they had some of the most good looking people on stage. As well as some of the most fugly ones on stage too. Like blow my fucking balls away please.

Two, it was the 1^st time I went to a club and I managed to find a table so easily. In fact, we didn’t have to hold a table. There was just tons of tables lying around with no one sitting in them. Stupendous I’m telling you.

There weren’t many people there. In fact, it was just barely filled. But barely filled is nice. Sometimes. The party didn’t really start until I decided to find the salsa dancing gay bastard friend of mine and wala! I got free drinks passes. And more free drinks passes and more free drink passes. I believed I might have had too much to drink since I was shamelessly asking his friend (who were giving out the free passes) to give me more passes.

That was when I decided that the party was a fucking smashing success. After changing the drinks and drinking a little more. I swear DXO rocks my flaming testicles. There’s nothing better than free booze. Maybe except loose chicks but then again, you never know what you might be catching and worst. The sergeant major was there. J

Back to nothing better than free booze. The upside of going to a party where no one else wants to go. You get the stuff all to yourself. Coolness. The gay bastard and me were supposed to go look for his cousin. But apparently he forgot about it… ended up dancing with the fugliest of girls. Seriously fugly. Like a face only her mother could love…

The next day as I was leaving bishan mrt heading back home, I decided to pop into the store that’s more (7-11) and get me a drink. On the way out I met the dumbest, most self centred and just damned irritating bitach in my life.

1, the door says pull. Which means, if you “push” the door open, it is more likely than not to not open. So it doesn’t matter how hard u push, the door is just not going to open. Simple.

2, when u see another person from the other side of the shop (I was coming out, while she was trying to enter) “magically” opening the door. Please do NOT shove ur fat sorry ass into the door while keeping your head down as if you didn’t know that I was opening the door for myself. I cannot even understand how you might even think that I was opening the door for you. You are neither physically disabled nor mentally handicapped. Your neither too young nor too old. And worst. Your not even pretty. In fact, if there was the exact opposite of hot, it would be unhot and you would be the epitome of unhot.

3. even if u shamelessly squeezed past me through the door. Just please say thank you, or a nod or something anything to show a little gratitude for someone you had just so shamelessly taken advantage of…

DUMBASS

I heard this conversation on the radio and it cracked me up big time. The stupidity of the caller is astounding.

Dj," hello, may I know who's speaking etc. what would you like to hear?"

DUMBASS," I would like to order hips don't lie."

Dj," u would like to order hips don’t lie? Would you like fries to go along with it?”

DUMBASS, “….. Err…”

The dj then trys to make it more obvious, “would you like a drink to go with your order? Chips? Ketchup?”

DUMBASS, “ hmmmm…. Err…..”

Dj, “ would u like to UPSIZE your order?”

DUMBASS, “ upsize?”

Dj, “ upsize, bigger coke? Larger fries?”

DUMBASS, “ er…..”

Dj, “ never mind, I’ll get ur order now. Would u like a straw berry short cake? Coke? BRAIN JUICE…”

HAHAHAHA. I could die when I heard the last line. it didnt help that the caller couldn't speak properly. could be that she's nervous. could also be that she's just dumb. i prefer the latter.

That 70s Show

The show just rocks.

"do u have the band width to help me?" "no, i'm a dial up..."

The fine art of negotiations

”Hey, play cs for 20 minutes leh!”

“ huh, dun want lah I got paper tomorrow…”

“ dun like that leh. Play a while wun die one what… what paper do u have tomorrow?”

“ I have strategy.”

“ ALL THE MORE YOU NEED TO PLAY CS! WE HAVE SO MANY STRATEGIES, FOX TROT LIMA, FOX TROT ROMEO etc etc”

“…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………”

After a while longer

“OKAY LAH! For 30 minutes only.”

Forever

these 2 word documents were all i needed u to help me print. but no, 1st, u went on about why am i asking my ex to print it for me. next u went on about how if i was mr popular i should not be asking u to print it for me and how since i have so many friends in the estate i should be getting them to print it for me. 1st, alv, yx and jh are in hall. hall for crying out loud. and Van does NOT have a mother fucking printer. that leaves me pretty much out of choices. of course i had other people to approach, provided i wanted to drive out. you were the closest to my house and yet u were the last i approached for help simply because i did not want to ask u. simple. but as fate would have it the other neighbours choose to desert me. and of course i have other friends, of course they would help me but that would mean driving down to where they are which would take up time that i did not have. which part do u not understand till now? is that lawyer induced brain of yours comprehending.

and then finally, u decided to not print it as it would take up too much ink. like what the fucking hell. too much ink. seriously. 5 cents a page they would be charging me for black and white. and black and white was all i asked. then u went on about how expensive ink is for old printers. like what the fuck. seriously.

u make it sound like i owe u the fucking world and u want to see is me begging at you feet. seriously. get a life. it is so hard for u to print out 2 pieces of paper for me...

and not forgetting how u have no qualms about waking me in the morning forcing me to give u a lift to school. or have u forgotten the numerous times u forced me to give u a lift because u were running late. lifts to school, lifts to hwa chong for your stupid net ball trainings. of course u wun remember that. u would only remember the times u woke me up and i decided, no, i did not want to give u a lift to school, or the times when i did not have to go to school, thus turning you down.

you probably remember the times i broke ur heart. not the times when i cried in school and decided to skip my pre final training and your netball match instead of having to choose whether u or getting to play in the finals was more important.

how u love to probe into my life only to have the smirk on ur face when things are not going too well. seriously. and then withold everything inside when i ask u about urs.

yeah, u stopped believing in forever when u were 16 but now ur thinking about forever more and more. i've stopped believing in forever when i was 17 but judging from the way ur acting, i believe in forever now.

Star crossed lovers

Lian - maybe im just missing says:
are u in the lib?
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
no
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
me no in school today
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
everytime i look for u u busy
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
and everytime u look for me
Lian - maybe im just missing says:
hahaaa
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
me bisy
Lian - maybe im just missing says:
u not in sch
Lian - maybe im just missing says:
fated laa
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
we're like star crossed lovers
Puff - Continuity is a good thing says:
HAHAHAHA
Lian - maybe im just missing says:
.....
Lian - maybe im just missing says:
in shakespearean times lovers = people who fuck
Lian - maybe im just missing says:
so dont star cross me

AT LEAST IT'S BULLET PROOF!

friend," aye, ur damn irritating. i hate the way u play cs. damn irritating..."

me,"aiyah just a game mah. dun angry. chill chill."

friend," go buy me a helmut!"

after a while...

friend," IT BETTER NOT BE A CS ONE!"

me," okok. i got one for u. green colour with camo leaves on it!" (saf helmut for the less well informed. for the women (not informed at all), it's the helmut soldiers wear)

friend, "fuck u lah! that one dun even have a visor..."

me, " at least it's bullet proof!"

friend," *SPEECHLESS*"

bwahahahahahaha

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

Nike needs to revamp their marketing plan

passes like throwing knives... oh my god... depends on the thrower of the knife now doesnt it.

shoots like steely eyed missles.... i never knew missles had eyes. steely eyes?



erm, shadows do NOT cast shadows. and what does defending a counter attack has to do with surviving the attack. in fact, from where i come from, if we've survived an attack, i say we did a pretty decent job.



total football humiliates totally... erm. right. holland didnt win the euro cup? did they win the world cup? however i remember them losing and getting humiliated. maybe what they are trying to say is this, if they play with 33 man on the field under a style called total football, they would then get humiliated. TOTALLY.



cool asian dude. if only singapore could change their motto from "making lions look like kittens since 1965" into something more substantial.

oh the other hand, turning your thunder into whimpering? hahaha and the thing about being lightning... hahaha.

nike needs to seriously come up with better english man. these sentences would most definately not pass an analytical skills assignment. in fact, should i ever need to find fallacies, i would most definately use some of these. it sounds like "japanese english" according to by. :)

Jargon

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The Lucksmiths

atypical conversation with someone who thinks that they are the guru of all things obsure

have u heard of the lucksmiths?

no, u mean the smiths right?

no, the lucksmiths

i think you got the name wrong, there's the smiths and then there's the smiths.

*furious typing*

maybe amazon got the name wrong too huh, they have the lucksmiths cd here. maybe, perhaps, probably amazon got it wrong u bitch.

Password

just last week i had to choose a password for an account that had a soon to be expired password. since it was a shared account, my friend and i had to come up with a new password....

this is going to be good.

friend," aiyah, just put something easy to remember, simple and yet complicated!'

me," uh huh... how does penis sound."

friend," steady lah! no one will think of that! okok, i'll change it to penis!~"

after a few seconds,' aye~ it's not long enough!"

me, " your penis isnt long enough?"

hur hur...

Lesbians

and a little H5N1 humour

Nicolodeons!

I was listening to the radio on the way to school today when I heard Jamie Yeo "coming live" from the Padang with live results about the holler back crew competition.

“The competition here at the semi finals is really stiff. only TEN OUT OF TWELVE teams will be making it through to the finals! So be sure to come down and support your favorite teams because they might not be here at the finals. Etc a whole lot more of bull etc and a lot more shit."


Lets be objective here. How hard can it be to get through the semi finals when the odds of you getting kicked out is lower than you getting through the semis. I mean mathematically, the odds of you getting thrown out is a mind boggling 16.67%.

I guess with those odds, you would probably NOT want your friends to come down and see you fail since there really isn’t any other reason for you getting kicked out than you just sucked to the fucking core. they're not even narrowing it down by half...

In fact, I believe it is part of 987 fm's plan to let as many teams as possible participate in the finals since turnouts for these events are usually less than spectacular, maybe it is the event itself that fails to draw the crowds. How many people, honestly, would make the trip all the way to the Padang, where there is a sever lack of basic cheap car parking lots available. Do away with the parking lots, which guy would face the shame and indignation of being branded a phildophile and watch 13 - 16 yrs old prancing around screaming st nicks st nicks we're the best! And hear they go, WE'RE FROM ST NICKS! WE'RE THE NICKELODEONS!

Nickelodeons. I bet somehow they thought they were the most creative organisms on earth with such a name. I beg to differ.